Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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