Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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