The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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