so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
