my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
