I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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