He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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