if only i could text you this smell
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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