I only kidnapped one of them. chill
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
