Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
