I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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