if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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