Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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