got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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