Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
