sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
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