I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
My penis needs a shock collar
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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