It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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