I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
