so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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