he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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