Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
