What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
