I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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