I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
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