pedialite and red bull = repair kit
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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