WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
