please come you make the beer taste better
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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