he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
