Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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