I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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