I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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