I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
