In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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