I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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