when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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