3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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