from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
