he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
