I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
