just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
