I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
