Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Randomize
