Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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