If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
