No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
