I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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