using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
