Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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