My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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