hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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