im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
