Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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