I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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