Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
