Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
