I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
