I think I just saw someone hide a body.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
