My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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